I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
