The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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