To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
