You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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