just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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