someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
