her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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