god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
