i think my tv is drunk
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
