I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
