I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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