I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
