She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
