We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
