Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
