You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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