We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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