apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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