just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
wakey wakey hands off snakey
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
