I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
