You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
