i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
