I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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