hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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