I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just invented taco cereal.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
