I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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