My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
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