I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
