Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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