I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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