he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
