While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
