wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
