so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
