Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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