You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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