i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
