i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
