Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
