Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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