Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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