Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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