Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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