we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
