I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
