Apparently you make a good broom.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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