Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
