I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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