We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
