So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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