Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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