I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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